ARCHETYPE

Sage

I bet you didn’t know that wine is 6,000 years old, but it is. It dates to the Neolithic period — which means it’s 6,000 years old. And it was made by accident. Did you know that?

Some wild, Middle Eastern yeast got with a few stored-away grapes and fermented their sugar into alcohol. The Egyptians found out about it and refined the process. Then the Greeks fell in love with it, made a god to celebrate it, and passed it to the Romans who spread it across Europe to the Spanish who brought it with them to the New World. They might’ve also brought rats, but at least they knew how to party.

ARCHETYPE

Jester

I’m not getting paid to be here. Truth be told, I heard through the grape vine that you’re a little freak, so I’m just here to check you out. YOLO, you know? So, show me what you’re made of! If you need a little courage, take a drink. Call it a serving of fruit if you must.

Inebriation over inhibition, I always say. That and life is better when you’re laughing. Whatever. Let’s just drink and see what happens.

ARCHETYPE

Citizen

If you’re wondering how to drink me, the answer is room temp in a common cup. No frills. No crystal! I don’t need room in the fridge — I’m comfy on the counter. If you care about your counter, wrap me in a paper towel so I don’t stain it. I can get a little messy.

Oh and please, dear lord, don’t buy a “decanter” or whatever it’s called just for me. All you need is a corkscrew and a cup. Enjoy me as I am. I’ll get the job done.

ARCHETYPE

Ruler

Listen. You don’t drink me. I drink you. I’m speaking metaphorically, of course, but you can’t do anything about it. You’re going to serve me and that’s the end of it. You can share me if you’d like. I’m strong and you might not be able to handle my greatness all at once.

I know what you’re thinking — “Wow. It’s rare to meet a bottle with such confidence, and at the top of its game.” Indeed, I’ve fought hard to get here. I’ve earned my way from grape to glass. Go ahead. Have a taste.

ARCHETYPE

Caregiver

You look like you could use a bottle of wine, so here I am. I’m here completely and only for you. You can whine if you want. I’ll try to console you. Or you can just cry. That’s cool. I’m made for quaffing.

Life can be a pain. Trust me, I know. I’ve been stepped on — walked all over, in fact. I’ve been squeezed dry and put in a barrel. Believe me when I say we’ll get through this — whatever this is — together.

ARCHETYPE

Creator

The best idea is, of course, the idea that is mine. I’ve been told I have talent. I’m creative. I’ve taken that praise to heart, but really, I’m only creative under the right circumstances.

Obviously, you must aerate and decant me. And before that, I need to be horizontal at 55°F in a damp, dark room — preferably a wine cellar, but I understand budget constraints. And don’t shake me around a lot, okay? Just remember that as long as everything is how I want it, I’m flexible and brilliant.

ARCHETYPE

Explorer

They call being stuck in a bottle for this long “aging” like it’s a good thing. Can you believe that? As a grape I loved sunshine, fresh air, the rolling hills and the way the farmer would swing by and squeeze me a little.

Back then, I just wanted to plop off and roll around in the dirt. Once I got picked, I thought my wish was coming true. But that was years ago. Ever since then, I’ve been stuck in confinement. So please get me out of here. Set me free.

ARCHETYPE

Rebel

Most people use a corkscrew. But if you’re holding me, you’re not most people. Corkscrews work, you’re thinking, but they’re not revolutionary. So, which daring alternative will you choose?

Maybe you’ll take a knife to my neck, wedge it between my cork and glass, defy some physics and pop me open. That’d be macho, but maybe too trite. You might chuck golf balls at me until I crack and then you’ll pour me into a blue solo cup. All I can tell you is rules are for fools.

ARCHETYPE

Lover

There, I said it. And truth be told, I’ve loved you as long as I’ve known you. You’re beautiful and funny and sweet and that’s all I want. And I think you love me, too. I see you looking at me, uncorking me with your eyes. I’ve been watching you check out those other bottles and you haven’t looked at them that way.

Listen, I know this is fast. And I’m usually more cautious. But, when you know, you know. You know? So, pick me up, baby.

ARCHETYPE

Hero

Superheroes. They’re fun to look at with their six-packs, cat claws, extra-human powers and knee-length capes. But at some point we’ve all asked ourselves if six-packs are worth it, if superheroes are even real. No, they’re totally not real. But heroism is. And it’s more attainable than you’d think.

Take me, for example. I didn’t come in a six-pack because it takes more courage to stand out than to blend in. That’s my act of heroism. And you could be a hero, too. All you need is a drop of courage. Lucky for you, courage comes in bottles.

ARCHETYPE

Magician

Have you ever noticed that whenever something awesome happens, people say, “it’s magic”? It’s hilarious how they think they’re kidding but always wonder if they shouldn’t be.

Well, if magic isn’t real, then I’m just a bottle of tinted water. If magic isn’t real, then my next trick isn’t possible. It’s a vanishing act: The more of me you drink, the less of me there is. Ready?

ARCHETYPE

Innocent

What’s your favorite song? Wait. Let’s go at the same time. On three… One. Two. Everything is Awesome! No way, me too! Back on the vine, we used to sing it in harmony. Imagine that – the whole vineyard in a beautiful chorus. They say music helps plants grow.

The song is right though. Everything is totally fine. I’m a fine wine. See? And you, you look fine, too. We’re both fine. Let’s raise a glass to how fine everything is.